


What's Remus Got

by WolfFairy



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: 80's AU, Alternate Universe - High School, Angst, F/M, Gen, M/M, lycanthropy is hiv
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-01
Updated: 2019-04-01
Packaged: 2019-12-30 12:35:22
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,617
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18315374
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/WolfFairy/pseuds/WolfFairy
Summary: Sirius never thought Remus to be anything special. To him he was that kid in the back of the class, with the never-ending array of colorful ugly sweaters, with the light skin and light hair and timid smile. Remus always sat with him and with James and Peter at lunch, he lived in their dorm room, and he let them copy his homework. In fact, you could say they were pretty good friends. But Sirius never thought Remus to be anything special until the summer of 88.





	What's Remus Got

Sirius never thought Remus to be anything special. To him he was that kid in the back of the class, with the never-ending array of colorful ugly sweaters, with the light skin and light hair and timid smile. Remus always sat with him and with James and Peter at lunch, he lived in their dorm room, and he let them copy his homework. In fact, you could say they were pretty good friends. But Sirius never thought Remus to be anything special until the summer of 88.

Sirius, James, Lily and Peter were planning to spend a couple of days in one of those beautiful remote beaches that are always plagued with drunk teenagers during summer break. Remus said he was spending holiday at his aunt's, and in any case, he was even more quiet and introspective than normal lately, so Sirius had no objections to going without him. Two weeks into summer break, the four of them got on James' pickup; James behind the wheel, Lily at his side and Sirius and Peter in the back- and drove. They drove for two hours before finally getting to the beach. As expected, dozens of swimsuit-wearing teens were already expecting them, eating, laughing and drinking and throwing half lit cigarettes into the salty water. Once they parked the pickup they started walking along the shore, looking for a place to throw themselves. After nearly ten minutes of walking on the hot sand, they almost reached the end of the beach. The promenade no longer bordered bars, shops and restaurants, but led directly into the backyards of vacation homes and sheds. They walked a few more meters until there were barely anymore partying teens around, then laid their things down on the sand. 

"This looks like a good spot," said James. Lily nodded while looking around. "So are we going in or what?" Peter said. "Wanna bet I get in there first?" James taunted. They both rushed to remove their shirts and sandals and run into the water. Lily stood and watched them with joy, rolling her eyes and smiling wide. Sirius remained sitted on the sand beneath her. He looked her up and down, her pale, thick shins and thighs were showing off under her blue sundress. Her red hair was messy with the wind, flying into her spotted face. He caressed her leg, which turned her attention to him. She immediately sat down beside him, throwing sand everywhere including Sirius' curly hair. She laid her head on his shoulder and began picking the grains of sand out of his hair, her green eyes glistening in the sun. He shut his eyes at the blinding brightness and heard her voice. "So, Sirius, what do you say?" He could hear the laughter in her voice. Almost see her white teeth chuckling, and her sticking her tongue out. He opened his eyes to find her head now on his chest, and her red hair in his face. "I've got everything I need right here" he answered, partially as a response to her question, and partially to himself. She stretched a bit and placed her head right next to his, speaking directly into his ear, her face covered in his dark curls. "Aren't you disappointed that Remus isn't here?" Sirius was a bit surprised by the question. He didn't even think of Remus until she mentioned him. "Like I said," he put one hand around her waist and with the fingers of the other combed her soft hair. "I have everything I need right here." She pushed her lips against his neck, not saying anything until James came running towards them, dripping with water and his black hair wet and messy on his head. Lily turned to face him and smiled widely. He reached his hand towards her, and she took it and got up, shaking sand from her dress directly into Sirius' face. She put her hands around James' neck and planted a long kiss on his lips. "Come into the water." He said. "Why? Are you not satisfied with Peter?" She taunted. "You know what, you're right, Peter is so sexy, it drives me crazy, I can't stop thinking about him all day and night". Lily laughed and took off her dress to reveal her full figured silhouette in a yellow bikini suit, pushed her pale body to James' dark skin, kissed him again and then turned to Sirius. "Come with us." Sirius got up from the sand, took off his shirt and rushed after them into the water.

That night the beach was empty and quite. The four of them sat under a pile of blankets around a little fire, where James was boiling water for tea. They sat there for hours, sometimes laughing loudly and sometimes listening to the crackling of the flames. At midnight, Lily and James removed all of their clothes and went skinny-dipping. Sirius remained cuddled next to Peter on the sand, under James' mom's ugly plaid blanket. "What a day, ha?" said Peter. Sirius didn't respond, just watched the shadows of his two friends fondling in the distance. "What do you think Peter?" asked Sirius, echoing Lily's question to him earlier that day. "Wow, I don't know." Said Peter "It's a shame Remus isn't here, he seemed so bothered lately, he could use some rest. Actually, I think he mentioned his aunt's house is somewhere in the area…" Sirius turned to Peter with a curious look on his face. "What's he got, that Remus?" he asked. "What's he got?" "Yeah, what's ho got? You're talking about him and Lily's talking about him. I think some fourth-years were asking me about him before break, so what's he got?" "What's he got?" Peter repeated the question as if he was asking himself it. "What's he got? Not much, after all. He's a smart guy, handsome, a little shy, doesn't have much charm but he's special in his own way" said peter. "Wait a minute, handsome? You must be joking. Remus isn't handsome, there's nothing special about him." Peter laughed a bit, his mousy teeth showing through his lips. "Yeah, Sirius, you'd be surprised. Remus is a very handsome guy. If that's not what everyone sees in him then I don’t know what is because he hasn't got much else. A pretty guy, Remus. I know you're always used to being the hottest guy around but he's actually giving you a run for your money. You better get used to it. A very pretty guy…" Sirius looked at the water again, trying to picture Remus in his mind. Brown hair, brown eyes, light skin. Skinny, not very muscular, tends to disappear in some ugly knitted sweater. Nothing too impressive. "Oh, Sirius, did I hurt your feelings? Don’t worry, you're still the prettiest, we still love you the most, you're the hottest, you're the most attractive guy…" Sirius looked back at peter, smiled and pushed his shoulder a little. Peter laughed, affectionately head-butted Sirius on the forehead and then gave him a big kiss on the cheek. They both fell asleep before James and Lily came out of the water.

At noon the next day they gathered around the campfire again. Sirius was boiling water for coffee, James was telling stupid jokes and Lily was still half asleep on his shoulder. Peter was sitting with his back to the water, facing the promenade with the large yards of nice vacation homes behind it. He suddenly spotted a tiny figure in one of the yards in the distance. "Wait here a second, I'll be right back" he said and started walking towards the houses. "How are things at home?" James asked carefully. "Shit, as usual" answered Sirius. "But I'm handling, you know. whatever, we're finishing school next year and I'm getting the fuck out of there". James nodded, and then he seemed to notice something behind Sirius' back. A large smile spread on his face and he stood up, pulling Lily up with him. Sirius got up as well and turned around to see peter running towards them hand in hand with none other than Remus Lupin. "Look who I found here" said peter with a joyful, satisfied smile. "Yeah, my aunt's house is right here. I'm pretty sure I told you guys…" Remus said in his typical shy demeanor. James invited Remus to sit with them and Sirius was completely stunted. The boy in front of him looked unlike anything he's ever seen, and certainly unlike Remus Lupin. Remus was pale and scrawny and lacked any appeal, but he looked completely different now; he was tanned and his hair was a little blond from the sun, his eyes glistened and his muscular legs showed under mid-thigh jeans, which he clearly cut with scissors out of normal length jeans. But it was Remus. Sirius just had no idea until now. "Well, Sirius?" he heard James' voice shuttering his daydream. "What?" he turned to James, trying to shake off his dazed atmosphere. "Are you coming in with us?" Sirius just now was noticing that James, Lily and Peter were standing in their swim clothes and waiting for him. "Oh, no, I think I'll sit this one out". He said. Remus agreed. "I'll stay as well, I haven't brought my bathing suit." James laughed, then ran into the water with the others. Remus was visibly trying to shrink himself awkwardly. Sirius felt a little uncomfortable with this unfamiliar kind of Remus, but he stretched his legs forward and leaned back on his hands with his usual show of confidence. They sat together in awkward silence for a bit before Remus spoke. "So, how's your summer been so far?" Sirius was looking away to the distance, at their friends in the water, as to not get distracted by the way Remus' presence was making him feel, for the first time. "Pretty great. Got home on the last day of school, got some stuff, and I've been out since. Staying at James' mostly and sometimes at Peter's. slept in Lily's bed a couple of times" he smiled mischievously at Remus for a second, seeing his face turn slightly red. But his messy hair and some freckles still showing through, he was still gorgeous. "So, you and Lily are…?" Sirius was waiting for the end of the question but even Remus wasn’t fully sure what exactly he was referring to. Still he was looking at Sirius with uncharacteristic confidence. "Ha, she wishes" he answered eventually. "You and peter than?" This time Sirius just laughed for a while without answering. "You and James?" Sirius turned to Remus. "You're joking, right? No, we're all just good friends. Of course, James and Lily are a bit more than that… but no, I mean, people just get like that when they've been friends for so long, and we've all been friends since first year. I mean, except Lily, it took her a while to join us cause she would always follow Snivellus around-" "Snivellus?" "Yeah, Severus Snape. You know, a guy who's skinny like a skeleton, white as paper, crooked nose, button eyes… looks like Siouxie Sioux's evil twin if she shaved her head and wore a wig made out of James' pubes…" Remus laughed, and Sirius saw his muscles tense and smiled to himself, pleased with the reaction. Suddenly Remus wasn't just the friend that always tagged along but he could never quite figure out. Suddenly Sirius felt like he wanted to impress him, make him laugh. He wanted him. "So, Remus, what do you got?" Remus was quiet, looking at the sand beneath him. "Nothing, really". Sirius' eyebrows pushed together, and he looked away at the blurred line where the water meets the sky and peter is carrying Lily on his back while James is swimming beneath him, trying to catch his leg and make him fall. He turned back to Remus and his mouth wore a teasing grin. "You know some fourth-years were asking me about you?" Remus smiled but couldn't hide a flash of worry in his eyes. "Yeah? What did they ask?" "They asked me why you're always sneaking out of the Gryffindor dormitory at night." Remus laughed. "That was like one time. And, hey, you do it all the time." Sirius pulled his hand to his chest, playing hurt and shocked. "I protest these allegations! Are you suggesting I would ever sneak out to spend the night with a Ravenclaw, a Hufflepuff, or god forbid- a Slytherin? Excuse me but when I sneak around at night it's only to climb up the slide to the girls' dorms, or to crawl into Elliott griffis' bed." Remus smiled, then looked down again. Sirius worried for a minute if maybe Remus feels genuinely uncomfortable with him making innuendos all the time. This is who he was, and usually when Sirius would brag of his latest conquest at the breakfast table Remus would roll his eyes or laugh, or try not to listen and read his book instead. And Sirius knew he must not be foreign to sex. He saw him sneak out, then come to breakfast wearing the same clothes, or disappear during free period and get to class with his robes all messy. But he was acting nervous now. "I'm sorry, I mean, I don't sneak around much more than you…" Sirius didn't even know what he was saying, he just didn't want to make Remus uncomfortable and the lingering thought of what Remus must be doing when he's sneaking away to get his hair messed up got him flushed and tense. Remus' smile was still nervous but eased Sirius' worries, as it was clearly meant to do. "Oh, I really think you do. Maybe you have something to teach me for once." the teasing coming from Remus' end caught Sirius by surprise. He raised his eyebrow and grinned. "Would you want me to?" Remus didn't answer. he was looking at him wide eyed, mouth slightly open, breathing heavily. Sirius thought he was so hot. Sirius was used to telling people exactly what he wanted, but it was different now, with Remus. Suddenly he was worried about hearing a no. Sirius grinded his teeth and bit his lip. As hard as he tried, he still couldn't figure Remus out. But he wanted to so bad. Remus hesitantly raised his hand and touched Sirius' long black curls. Just the end of it, as if he was touching a curtain at the store to feel the fabric. But Sirius realized he was trying and he had to try as well, he began leaning towards Remus slowly, giving him more than enough time to stop him if he wanted to, but instead Remus closed the distance between them and touched Sirius' lips with his. His kiss was soft, and quite hesitant at first, Sirius slowly parted Remus' lips with his, then couldn't stop himself from deepening the kiss. Remus gave in completely, his hand moving from Sirius' hair to his back, pushing him in closer and closer to him. Their chests pushed together and Sirius couldn’t tell Remus' rushed heartbeats from his own. Sirius put his hand on the sand behind Remus, shifting his upper body to be more and more on top of him, he could feel Remus' hand traveling lower down his back until it was under his shirt and pushing in to his skin, savoring the touch of it. Sirius held on to Remus' neck with his other hand, pushing him into the kiss which had become so passionate that they both were breathing heavily and panting into each other's mouths. Remus could now feel Sirius' erection against his thigh through both their pants. Sirius kept tilting Remus down until the back of his neck was touching the sand. Suddenly Remus was pushing Sirius away, he rose to sit and then stand. "I, I should get back. So that my aunt doesn’t worry about me. I'll be back tonight." And he turned his back to Sirius and ran back to the little white house at the edge of the fresh green yard.

Sirius sat for a long moment, alone on the sand, trying to figure out what the fuck just happened. He kissed Remus, and Remus kissed him until he didn't, and then he ran back to his aunt's house, not before promising he'll come back tonight. Maybe he said "I'll be back tonight with condoms" and Sirius didn't hear it? Either way, the whole thing sounds a little weird. No one had ever pushed away from Sirius Black. Especially not Remus putty face sweater loving tea drinking gets an a in chemistry lupin. And anyway, why would Sirius even want to kiss this guy? One that couldn’t catch his attention even sitting directly in front of him at breakfast, or sleeping in the bed beside him every night for the past six years? And what changed? Is it possible that Sirius had missed the fact that all this time, Remus wasn’t just a nice witty guy who's special in his own way- or whatever it was that peter had said- but also unusually attractive? There is no way. Something must have changed. Somehow, in some magical way that Sirius couldn't explain, in the two weeks that have passed between the end of the schoolyear and now, something about Remus has changed. Or maybe Sirius has changed, or maybe it was just the sun in his face and the wind in his hair and the sand between his toes and- fuck, Remus was wearing shorts, which he never does, - that made Sirius lose his focus for a moment. But he could swear he saw it. Somehow, for a moment, he saw what people see in Remus Lupin. He was witty, and perceptive, he was almost adorably shy and, fuck, he was beautiful. Sirius was so baffled he didn’t even notice Lily, Peter and James had all come back from the water and were drying themselves off and finding clean clothes to wear. "What's up, where's Remus?" James asked, shaking the water out of his hair like a beast. "Oh, he left. He said he'll be back tonight, just to not get his aunt worried" James seemed satisfied with the answer, and began pulling sandwiches out of his bag to give to the others. He gave one to Sirius and sat to his right. Lily sat in James' lap and Peter sat left of Sirius, an orange towel still on his shoulders. They were too busy eating to talk, which was okay for Sirius who was still trying to process what had happened. When they all finished their sandwiches Lily and James moved to lying on the sand and making out profusely. Sirius and Peter rolled their eyes at them and moved to sit a few meters away. "I think I understand what you were saying before about Remus" Sirius said. "Yeah? You got to talk to him before he left?" Peter asked interestedly. "A little bit. But get this: when I kissed him, it was all going fine, and then he just got up and left with no explanation. Isn’t that so weird? It felt pretty weird." Peter was trying to hide his huge smile from Sirius, and failing. "I don’t know, it's not that weird, I think. He probably just got nervous, a guy like him doesn’t get to kiss Sirius Black everyday" Sirius laughed and rolled his eyes at Peter. "Shut up". Peter continued. "It's true! I mean, usually you don’t pay much attention to him, and now this. You just caught him by surprise that’s all. Its not that he doesn’t want you or something." Sirius nodded, started biting his teeth and then stopped as soon as he realized he was doing it. The sun began to set, and Peter wrapped his short arm around Sirius' shoulders. Sirius reached behind peter's back and rested his hand on his broad waist. Peter looked into his eyes in that way of his, makes Sirius feel like he can't hide. Sirius buried his face in Peter's neck, kissing him tiny kisses and clawing at his waist with his nails. "Remus is here" said Peter. Sirius raised his head, turned it and saw Remus standing awkwardly between the two pairs on the sand. Sirius turned to peter again to bite his collar bone, peter made a quiet, high pitched moan and Sirius caressed his arm and scratched it lightly. He pushed away again and then got up and turned to Remus. "Hi" said Remus "I hope I'm not interrupting or anything" "Oh you mean them?" said Sirius, pointing to Lily and James, who were now covered in sand and still furiously making out and rolling around. "Don’t mind them, they're always like this, like they're the last two people on the planet. What do you say we go for a walk?" he asked. "And what about Peter?" asked Remus. "He'll stay here, probably jerk off, it's none of our business to ask, let's go"

They walked along the water in silence for a few minutes. Remus was wearing one of those ugly sweaters again, this time a grass-green one that made him look like a giant green bean. Remus began. "Listen, Sirius, about earlier-" "It's alright, I understand". Remus looked at him for a moment, weighing his words. "No, Sirius, I don’t think you do". Remus looked as if his words were an enormous weight which he was successfully pulling up a hill. That scared Sirius a little. "We don’t have to talk about it if you don’t want to," said Sirius. Remus looked at him quietly for a moment again. "But I want to. If you want to hear it" Remus was more confident then Sirius ever saw him, yet he could see in his eyes that he was scared too. Hearing him say "I want it" with this confidence is basically all Sirius wanted since seeing him first today, but he wasn’t pulling at his shirt, he wasn’t getting any closer, he wasn’t begging, like Sirius really wanted him to. And he had something of the old familiar Remus in him. A seriousness. A distance between his words and himself. Remus usually talked about school or what they would do after school, and when the rest of them talked about who they were dating or fucking or how fucked up their parents were, he was a good listener, but he didn’t share much. Maybe that’s why Sirius still felt like he didn’t really know him, after all these years. He always kept the emotional distance. Today was the first time Sirius saw that spark in his eyes, the want, the fear, the whimsy. He let go a little, but now he's closed up again. "I want to hear it" Sirius said. He couldn’t miss the chance to get to know Remus, not now that he's had his taste of it. They sat on the sand and watched the dark tides, rushing to the shore and then back into the water, the foam melting into the black mass. Remus stared at it, not daring to turn to Sirius' face. Sirius saw the sparkling black reflected in his eyes. The exact same salty wetness. "I can't have sex with you. I can't even touch you. It's too fleeting, too… scarring" Remus' eyes were still distant and so was his tone of voice. Sirius felt hurt by the words. Pretty much the last ones he wanted to hear. Remus can't even touch him? "Will I scar you or will you scar me?" he asked, tenderly and genuinely. The reflection started pouring from Remus' eyes, foam and stars escaping down his cheek. "Sirius I'm sick. I'm really really sick" Remus still couldn’t look at him, but he was looking inside, and pouring out through his eyes. Sirius hugged Remus close, still unsure of what it all means but Remus' tears were wetting his cheek, hair and shirt and he needed that piece of him on him. He needed to help him through this, whatever it is. "I got it from Fenrir Greyback, neither of us knew… I called him when I found out, I wanted to kill him, but his sister picked up the phone and, I realized I didn’t have to…" Remus wipes his eye on his sleeve and looked at Sirius for the first time, still in his arms. "That's why I'm at my aunt's, Sirius. I'm not going back to Hogwarts next year, I'm staying here. There's a beach here and there's a good hospital and I'll study from home… I can't go back. When I told my parents, they said I can't come back home. It's better here anyway. It’s a good place to pass the time." Sirius felt as if he was hearing Remus from a great distance. He heard the waves crashing and Remus crying. Sirius hugged him tight and laid them both down, Remus' face still buried in his shirt. Remus had it. The gay disease. The one everyone told Sirius would kill him one day. But Sirius never even thought about it. He hadn’t even noticed Fenrir stopped coming to school. And of course, Remus couldn’t touch him. Of course, Sirius overcoming him on the sand would spark a knee jerk reaction. Sirius felt so mad, but he knew he had no right to be. This was Remus' life. And he was just lucky to be let in. they all were. Sirius kissed Remus on the mouth and then on his forehead, holding him tightly as his cry lessened, and they both fell asleep, Remus' tears drying on Sirius' face.

They said goodbye in the morning. Remus helped them to load the pickup and promised to write whenever he can and he kissed Sirius a long sad kiss on the mouth and hugged him and Remus held him so tight for a moment he felt like he couldn’t breath and then he let go. Sirius got on the back of the pickup next to Peter. They drove home and Sirius watched Remus' image getting smaller in the distance, until he could no longer see him at the edge of the straight road. Sirius wrapped himself in a blanket and put his head on Peter's shoulder. Peter gently kissed his forehead and they drove all the way back in silence.

All year Remus sent them photos whenever possible, at first pictures of him and his aunt barbequing on the porch, then the books he was using to study from home. In each picture he looked paler and skinnier than the last. One day there's a photo of him in the hospital, with a letter saying not to worry, but he'll probably be staying there from now on. In the next picture he's having lunch in the hospital and laughing with a short girl with pink hair, just as skinny and pale as he is. They are together in every photo since, two skeletons in hospital gowns. And then comes the envelope with the invitation. Sirius takes two days to agree to open it. And they don’t go. Because it was the same day as graduation and because Sirius didn’t want to know. Not what his aunt looks like and not what the casket looks like and not if the pink haired girl would be there. And what if it's an open casket. He didn’t want to remember pale, sickly, dying Remus. And also, not glowing, dreamy, fleeting Remus. He wanted to remember him as Remus- shy and charming and almost invisible, you can notice only if you really pay attention, only if you look closely you see something special.

**Author's Note:**

> so, I've been writing this fic on and off for like four years. It's basic af but I guess I needed to get it out of my system to move on to better things. It was really fun to write and I think it's a good combo of funny and sad and sexy. Though maybe not sexy enough, as I started writing it at age 14 or 15. anyway, hope you like it


End file.
